my_own_advocate | Lucifer's Mansion, Early Wednesday Morning

Lucifer would like to say he went to bed with several attractive naked people every night, but the fact of the matter was that... he... didn't. And for reasons that had little to do with a lack of interest from this island's especially attractive population, thank you. No, today he was alone, curled under his high threadcount sheets, expression restless in spite of his calm breathing.

Who needed rest at all, really?

It was the loud thunk that drew him from the depths of slumber, the ensuing crash what jolted him upright in his bed. He rubbed his face, disoriented but alert--

Loud footsteps. Something falling.

He scrambled out of bed, grabbing his satin robe from its perch. Drawing the robe around himself, he took hurried steps towards the stairs, and then down. "Hello? Chez Lucifer is closed for the morning, thank you for your enthusiasm, but--"

Something cracked under his feet. He looked down. "...Nachos?" he said slowly. "Is this a break-in by a sports team of some kind, because under other circumstances I'd be delighted to host you all--" More nachos. They ran in an almost-neat line, all the way to his... closet?

"--but I really do need my beauty rest," he finished absently, pacing to the walk-in closet. He yanked open the door. "...As you can tell."

Mermaid	No one was in the room. Absolutely not. Lucifer's clothing always just kind of...quivered on their hangars like that. Also? His shirt had definitely always been adorned by a pair long, slender legs. This all seemed very normal and he should just go back to sleep now, please.
Lucifer	"Considering all the options, at least being robbed by an attractive criminal is something," Lucifer said, stalking in. "But it's still not exactly what I would call wanted--" He grabbed the shirt and yanked.
Mermaid	Oh no no no! She stumbled out from the closet, the oversized fishhook still lodged in the same hole in the warm thing that her head was peeking out of. She glared up at this human dragging her around like a netted dolphin. Her face was smeared with all of the delicious things she had found to eat and her hair was still damp from the water. Most importantly, though, was the way she was balling her fists, the same way she and her siblings did when sharks were around. They were vulnerable in a few areas: the snout, the gills, and the eyes. If you couldn't flee and had to fight, the best thing to do was punch a shark really, really hard. She was betting that would work on a human, too. Yanking her new warm thing out of his grip, she raised her fists to show him she meant business.
Lucifer	"You break into my home, and then you attempt to start a fight?" Lucifer said irritably. "I'd applaud the audacity if it wasn't for--" He ignored her fists and reached right past them for the shirt. "Do you know how expensive this shirt is?!"
Mermaid	Shouldn't have ignored the fists, Lucifer. Because they were swinging right at you with all of her might. Which was fairly considerable, due to mermaid physiology.
Lucifer	And would be terribly impressive if swung at someone who had even a remotely human physiology! It really would have! Unlike Lucifer, who leaned out of the way of her punch as if he'd previously been told it was coming, sighed, and grabbed for both of her arms. "You're going to tear my robe if you keep this up, and I am not amused!"
Mermaid	Oh no. She wasn't going to let him grab her. That was how squids fought, trapping your arms and pinning your tail and suddenly there was no moving at all. Instead, she dodged out of the way (and off the hanger), running past him and out the door at top speed. There! She could see the outside through a hole in the wall, practically beckoning to her. If she could get outside, she could make it back to the water and there the squid with the shark eyes would never be able to get her! Just a few more feet--! She leapt towards the hole in the wall - and slammed hard into...something. And then all was blackness.
Lucifer	"It's a window, you pilfering moron!" Lucifer called after her, exasperated. He pulled on the knot of his robe to tighten it. All the better to stomp over to her unconscious form with. "And now I've got a fool passed-out in my living room. Why do I even bother?" He lifted her up and shuffled a few feet towards the decadently large sofa, dropping her on it like a sack of potatoes. "You better not have left nacho stains on my best suit, or I'm going to rescind this invitation to sleep off your stupidity on my sofa."
Mermaid	She came back to consciousness only to discover that she had been caught by a squid. She couldn't move her hands, though her new legs were able to move. Immediately, she started to struggle, trying to get free. She couldn't go through the pretend-hole in the wall, but there was the other one, the much bigger hole she'd come in through earlier. Let me go! she silently demanded with her mermaid thoughts. Oooh, also, there were more of those crunchy things nearby! She stopped struggling briefly to snatch up one with her bound hands and shove it into her mouth. Look, being tied up didn't make her any less hungry.
Lucifer	"Oh, no you don't, I'm calling the police," Lucifer said, his phone already in hand. "I'm sure they know what to do with a... mute... thief like you." He held up a finger. "Don't tell me you're a mime."
Mermaid	She...had no idea what 'a mime' was. Actually, she didn't understand most of the noises he was making. He wasn't speaking tuna or whale or even seaslug and he definitely didn't seem to be understanding her mermaid speech. Or even hearing it. But he wasn't trying to hurt her right now, so she was going to try to grab for more of those crunchy things. They were so tasty! And it wasn't like he was eating them, he'd left them right there on the floor!
Lucifer	"Stop that!" Lucifer flailed at her hand with one hand. "You're getting crumbs all over my sofa!"
Mermaid	That just made her eat faster, since he was clearly trying to take her food away. She snatched up all the crunchies she could reach, kicking at him when he got too close. Or, well, trying to. Legs were hard. You had to focus on two things.
Lucifer	"Stop it," Lucifer said sharply, and was only stopped from grabbing her by someone picking up the phone. "Yes, hello, police? Someone broke into my house. Someone who is extremely rude. Can you come arrest her? Thank you."
Mermaid	Oooh! That was an interesting thing. The only thing stronger than her hunger was curiosity. She abandoned the crunches - well, most of them - to get closer to the box making squawky seagull noises for a better view. Which meant attempting to crawling onto Lucifer, yes. While scattering crumbs everywhere.
Lucifer	"No," Lucifer said, pulling back immediately. "You stay where you are. No no no no--" He held a finger up in her face.
Mermaid	Too late. There were crumbs spilling on your couch, Lucifer. And also your robe. And also this shirt of yours she was still wearing. Sorry not sorry. She was not unlike a puppy, all wiggly energy and appetite, ignoring the admonishing finger in favor of her want to know, eeling around and trying to listen from the other side. At least until she noticed another one of the small, sweet round things on the floor beside the couch. And then she was pouncing on that, tossing it into her mouth with a pleased smile. Mmm. The land had so many tasty things!
Lucifer	"Just come quickly," Lucifer hissed into the phone and hung up. "Stop-- devouring things! There's nothing wrong with a healthy appetite, but don't do it all over my--" He grabbed for her arms.
Mermaid	And this time she kicked out with her unbound legs. No! This was her food! Poor Lucifer. The Troopers were only a block away and they still couldn't arrive fast enough.
Lucifer	Lucifer yanked her back towards the sofa. "Stay... put," he said through clenched teeth. "You'll be escorted out of here in a moment, and then it's just gruel and dry bread for you for the forseeable future...!"
Mermaid	If she could understand the words he was saying, she would have given him the most heart-broken look. You didn't threaten someone's food, Lucifer, you just didn't. As it was, the yanking made her drop the rest of the nummy treats she'd grabbed, so her eyes were all reproach and hurt as he sat her down on the couch again.
Lucifer	"And stay there," Lucifer said, pulling his hands away and immediately moving to adjust his sleeves.
Mermaid	He had barely finished speaking before she lunged. Not at him, but for the crunchies that were still on the floor behind him.
Lucifer	"No," Lucifer said sharply, his fingers closing around her shoulders. "I said stay! Put! What, are you deaf as well as utterly stupid?!"
Mermaid	Rude, Lucifer. She glanced from one hand on her shoulder to the other, and raised her fists to hit him again. Only to be distracted by a firm knock on the front door. What was that?! she demanded.
Lucifer	"Ah, good. The police," Lucifer said, smiling decidedly unpleasantly. He took her by one of those shoulders and began to drag her to the door.
Mermaid	Still very rude! Had he never thought about asking?! Sure, she wouldn't have understood, but it was the thought that counted, right? She flailed and tried to scrabble away, but the grip he had on her was too firm. She couldn't even clutch at the walls with her arms bound to her sides. And within moments was plunked down outside, barefoot, bound, and clad only in an oversized shirt.
Lucifer	Lucifer flashed the troopers that same impatient grin and adjusted the belt of his robe. "As you can see, I apprehended the burglar, though not before she got crumbs all over my furniture and attempted to abscond with one of my best shirts," he said. Adjusted his sleeves again, just to be safe. "Please take her in so she will not inflict another home invasion on someone else, will you?" Beat. "I suppose I should give her points for not storming into my house with a gun like the last one, but I'm fairly sure she crooked several more items in my wardrobe, which is a worse crime, if you ask me," he added, peeved. "Thank you, officers, or... whatever you respond to..." There was a short pause. Then he twisted around on his heel and stormed back into the house, slamming the door shut behind him.