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my_own_advocateWell, the good doctor had been avoiding Lucifer's texts for days, and he was only able to restrain his increasingly alarmed, racing mind for so long. So: desperate measures.
He dropped Doctor Arn onto a chair, and yanked the bag off his head.
"...Lucifer, what's going on?" the terrified man said, staring at him.
"You've been avoiding me, Dr. Arn, so I had to force a meeting," Lucifer said flatly.
The doctor held up his hands, palms-forward, placating. "Yeah, sorry about that. Work has been so crazy..."
"Don't care. I granted you a favor. Now you owe me one. It's time to pay up. I need a medical consultation. If I was to tell you I had a mole or two on my back, perhaps you could reshape them, maybe... zhuzh them up a bit?"
Why was Dr. Arn still staring at him like that?
"I'd have to see them first."
Yes, Lucifer had anticipated that. He stalked back to the piano. "Not possible, I'm afraid, but I brought visual aids," he said, holding up a stick-figure drawing of himself with two large wings sticking out of his back.
Dr. Arn boggled. "Wait, you have moles that large on your back? You need to get them checked out, have them removed!"
"No, I've tried removing them in the past, but the stubborn buggers always come back," Lucifer said impatiently. "I just need you to dress them up a smidge. Maybe you could attach some white feathers or tattoo them. Something cheery, flowers maybe."
"Tattoo your moles?!" Dr. Arn shook his head. "I was thinking maybe I could get you a discount on some botox--"
Lucifer grabbed him by the shirt and yanked him out of the chair. "I don't need botox, doctor," he snarled, "What I need is for you to fix them, because they are disgusting--"
Behind them, Amenadiel cleared his throat. "Lucifer, what are you doing?"
Oh, for Father's sake. Lucifer dropped the doctor, who scurried away. "God, I really need to put a lock on that elevator. Doctor, get out of my sight."
"Lucy, what were you doing to him?" Amenadiel asked, frowning. The doctor escaped into the elevator behind them.
"Nothing," Lucifer said, and took a swig from his drink. Then he caught sight of Amenadiel's face. "What happened to you? Hit another bridge whilst flying?"
His brother pulled a face. "That was one time, Lucy," he said, self-consciously touching his face. "And no, Remy came back. We got into a fight."
Lucifer sighed, thinking back to their last run-in with Remiel in New York in January. Should he warn Seivarden?
Nah. Seivarden would be fine. "And how was your clone?"
"Still angry," Amenadiel muttered. "She found out the child is mine. She threatened to take the baby back to the Silver City with her. The argument escalated. Of course, I was victorious and now the child will be raised here on Earth, which is actually why I'm here. I have a favor to ask you."
He did that Amenadiel thing where he visibly readied himself to do something difficult, and Lucifer was already losing his patience with it. "Apparently, there's a tradition here on Earth to ask someone to be a back-up parent in case something happens to the child's real parents..."
"Are you seriously asking me, Evil Incarnate, to be the child's godfather?" Lucifer snorted. "Ha, the irony."
Amenadiel and his permanently earnest face parked himself in front of the piano. "Well, Lucy, this birth is imminent," he said gravely, "And I still don't know how to be a father. How am I supposed to prepare?"
Lucifer sat down and lit a cigarette. "Well, I would have thought it patently obvious by now. I'm the last person to come to for fatherly advice." He took a drag. "But if you really want to know how humans raise their children, maybe you should, I don't know, ask them."
Amenadiel looked pensive. "You know, that isn't actually bad advice," he mused.
Hmhm, Lucifer hummed. "And as for being the child's godfather, trust me, brother, the biggest favor I can do you and the child is to stay as far away as possible."
---
Lucifer met the Detective at the crime scene - at a high school, this time. She was frowning. He couldn't tell why. "Is everything all right, Detective?" he asked as they walked into the building. "Or did I do something wrong, per usual?"
He had to be doing something wrong. Those ugly things were still on his back.
"Perhaps I should check myself into detention whilst I'm here. Permanently."
"No, everything's fine," she said as they walked up the stairs. Detective Douche and Miss Lopez were waiting for them there, looking oddly as if they'd just been caught in the act about something.
"Hey, Dan's ex-wife. Ex -wife," Miss Lopez said, turning around quickly. "I mean... I mean Chloe."
The Detective tilted her head, but clearly decided to ignore whatever this was. "So what do we have?"
"This is Sandra Baez," said Miss Lopez.
"The victim is... Yeah," said Detective Douche.
In unison, they said, "She was 32 years old and a history teacher!"
Lucifer stared at them both. "Whatever's happening here is undoubtedly somehow my fault."
"There's nothing," Miss Lopez said. "Nothing, we're--"
"We're all good, yeah. Everything's cool!" Detective Douche cleared his throat. "In fact, the janitor, the guy who found the body claims that Miss Baez, every morning, jogs the track, showers, and then she heads to class."
Miss Lopez was nodding. Why was she nodding so much? Stop nodding, Ella.
"And apparently someone ambushed her as she was getting dressed." Nodding, nodding, nodding.
"And do we have a cause of death...?" the Detective asked.
Miss Lopez immediatelly looked to the Douche. "Cause of death is a blunt force trauma to the head."
"It turns out that Miss Baez was a faculty adviser."
"Yeah, she was."
"To YEA."
"Uh, YEA is Youth Academy of American Entrepreneurs. The club met last night, so probably the last people to see them alive."
Honestly, Lucifer's head was starting to hurt just from watching the two of them.
Apparently he wasn't the only one, because the Detective cleared her throat and said, "Right, yeah. Lucifer? Can I speak to you in private?"
Oh thank everything. Lucifer slipped out of the changing room with her and into a quiet section of the hall. The Detective looked pale and fidgety - not things he was used to from her. Probably his fault, he reflected.
"I need to tell you something," she said quietly.
"I'm all ears," Lucifer said, "Or rather, horns."
"I went to see Father Kinley."
He physically recoiled. "Oh, did you now? Conjuring up more ways to send me back to Hell, are we?"
"No, no," the Detective said, and shook her head. "Father Kinley had been asking to see me, so I finally went and he told me about-- a prophecy."
Oh, well, if Lucifer had a dime for every time he'd heard a human come up with some daft prophecy... "What is it this time? Are frogs about to start falling from the sky or, perhaps... winter is coming?" he said.
The Detective actually glared at him.
"All of this celestial stuff, it's new to me," she pointed out. "I don't know what is good and bad, what is real and fake. But what he said... It scared me."
Lucifer tried to restrain his eyeroll. "Well, come on then, detective. What did he say?"
"He said that when the Devil walks the earth and finds his first love, evil will be released upon us all," she said gravely.
Oh. Oh. Well, a lot of things made sense all of a sudden.
"That is wonderful news," Lucifer said.
The Detective blinked. "It sounds kind of bad," she pointed out.
"Oh, it's bad, it's bad," he agreed, turning around as he mulled over the implications. "But it explains why I'm changing." It wasn't some grand mystery, some terrible thing he had done that he couldn't figure out.
"Lucifer," the Detective said. "Listen, if this prophecy were to actually come true... What then? Would there be demons running around?"
There wasn't a universe where Lucifer could see that happen. No, what it meant was painfully clear. "Nothing of the sort. But let's not get bogged down in specifics, because none of that will matter if I can stop the prophecy all together."
The Detective frowned. "How?"
"Well, clearly the first part, when the Devil walks the Earth, that's already happened," Lucifer said, and demonstratively jogged in place, "Because here I am, walking the Earth. And since Eve was my first girlfriend, then she's..."
"Your first love," the Detective said, catching on to his roll.
"Exactly. So to stop evil being released, all I need to do is, drum roll, please..." He grinned. "Break up with Eve!"
And here he'd thought dealing with this would require something complicated and impossible!
---
"I knew all along," Eve said breathlessly, leaning on the bar in Lucifer's loft. "You love me."
Lucifer stared at her from behind the bar. He felt almost a twinge of... fear? "Right. And how exactly did you end up there?"
She giggled. "The prophecy, silly." She grinned. "I mean, if you believe it to be true then, 'When the devil walks the earth and meets his first love', means you consider me to be your first love. Ergo! You love me!"
Right. She clearly wasn't getting the point here--
"Oh my god," she squealed. "I can't believe you said it first. I've been dying to say it for so long!"
They'd been dating for a week and a half. That fear slithered further up Lucifer's thigh. "Have you?" he asked, backing up against the drinks cabinet. "Interesting you should focus on that part of the prophecy, when evil being released really is the relevant part."
He swallowed. "And much as I hate to say this, I think it means that we need to, you know, break up."
"No."
Lucifer stared. Why wasn't there more room to back up into? "No?"
"Mhm," said Eve. "Lucifer, I know what you're doing."
Did she now? Because he thought he'd been fairly clear just now and she'd said no. "Do you."
"You're scared," Eve said earnestly. "Because you've been hurt before. You don't have to worry, okay?" She gave him big eyes. "I promise you I will never, ever give up on you."
Yeah, that was what he was beginning to be afraid of.
"You know why?" she asked.
"Surprise me," he said, strained.
"Because I love you too!" she squealed.
--
Oh god. ... Right. Even Lucifer Morningstar knew when he was out of his depth. He needed an expert. Someone with a great deal of experience in ending relationships.
He needed Duke Crocker.
As Eve slid away to go 'change into something more comfortable', he pulled out his phone in a panic. HOW DO I BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE???????
The question marks were necessary.
[[ open and taken from Lucifer episode 4x08, 'Super Bad Boyfriend' ]]
He dropped Doctor Arn onto a chair, and yanked the bag off his head.
"...Lucifer, what's going on?" the terrified man said, staring at him.
"You've been avoiding me, Dr. Arn, so I had to force a meeting," Lucifer said flatly.
The doctor held up his hands, palms-forward, placating. "Yeah, sorry about that. Work has been so crazy..."
"Don't care. I granted you a favor. Now you owe me one. It's time to pay up. I need a medical consultation. If I was to tell you I had a mole or two on my back, perhaps you could reshape them, maybe... zhuzh them up a bit?"
Why was Dr. Arn still staring at him like that?
"I'd have to see them first."
Yes, Lucifer had anticipated that. He stalked back to the piano. "Not possible, I'm afraid, but I brought visual aids," he said, holding up a stick-figure drawing of himself with two large wings sticking out of his back.
Dr. Arn boggled. "Wait, you have moles that large on your back? You need to get them checked out, have them removed!"
"No, I've tried removing them in the past, but the stubborn buggers always come back," Lucifer said impatiently. "I just need you to dress them up a smidge. Maybe you could attach some white feathers or tattoo them. Something cheery, flowers maybe."
"Tattoo your moles?!" Dr. Arn shook his head. "I was thinking maybe I could get you a discount on some botox--"
Lucifer grabbed him by the shirt and yanked him out of the chair. "I don't need botox, doctor," he snarled, "What I need is for you to fix them, because they are disgusting--"
Behind them, Amenadiel cleared his throat. "Lucifer, what are you doing?"
Oh, for Father's sake. Lucifer dropped the doctor, who scurried away. "God, I really need to put a lock on that elevator. Doctor, get out of my sight."
"Lucy, what were you doing to him?" Amenadiel asked, frowning. The doctor escaped into the elevator behind them.
"Nothing," Lucifer said, and took a swig from his drink. Then he caught sight of Amenadiel's face. "What happened to you? Hit another bridge whilst flying?"
His brother pulled a face. "That was one time, Lucy," he said, self-consciously touching his face. "And no, Remy came back. We got into a fight."
Lucifer sighed, thinking back to their last run-in with Remiel in New York in January. Should he warn Seivarden?
Nah. Seivarden would be fine. "And how was your clone?"
"Still angry," Amenadiel muttered. "She found out the child is mine. She threatened to take the baby back to the Silver City with her. The argument escalated. Of course, I was victorious and now the child will be raised here on Earth, which is actually why I'm here. I have a favor to ask you."
He did that Amenadiel thing where he visibly readied himself to do something difficult, and Lucifer was already losing his patience with it. "Apparently, there's a tradition here on Earth to ask someone to be a back-up parent in case something happens to the child's real parents..."
"Are you seriously asking me, Evil Incarnate, to be the child's godfather?" Lucifer snorted. "Ha, the irony."
Amenadiel and his permanently earnest face parked himself in front of the piano. "Well, Lucy, this birth is imminent," he said gravely, "And I still don't know how to be a father. How am I supposed to prepare?"
Lucifer sat down and lit a cigarette. "Well, I would have thought it patently obvious by now. I'm the last person to come to for fatherly advice." He took a drag. "But if you really want to know how humans raise their children, maybe you should, I don't know, ask them."
Amenadiel looked pensive. "You know, that isn't actually bad advice," he mused.
Hmhm, Lucifer hummed. "And as for being the child's godfather, trust me, brother, the biggest favor I can do you and the child is to stay as far away as possible."
---
Lucifer met the Detective at the crime scene - at a high school, this time. She was frowning. He couldn't tell why. "Is everything all right, Detective?" he asked as they walked into the building. "Or did I do something wrong, per usual?"
He had to be doing something wrong. Those ugly things were still on his back.
"Perhaps I should check myself into detention whilst I'm here. Permanently."
"No, everything's fine," she said as they walked up the stairs. Detective Douche and Miss Lopez were waiting for them there, looking oddly as if they'd just been caught in the act about something.
"Hey, Dan's ex-wife. Ex -wife," Miss Lopez said, turning around quickly. "I mean... I mean Chloe."
The Detective tilted her head, but clearly decided to ignore whatever this was. "So what do we have?"
"This is Sandra Baez," said Miss Lopez.
"The victim is... Yeah," said Detective Douche.
In unison, they said, "She was 32 years old and a history teacher!"
Lucifer stared at them both. "Whatever's happening here is undoubtedly somehow my fault."
"There's nothing," Miss Lopez said. "Nothing, we're--"
"We're all good, yeah. Everything's cool!" Detective Douche cleared his throat. "In fact, the janitor, the guy who found the body claims that Miss Baez, every morning, jogs the track, showers, and then she heads to class."
Miss Lopez was nodding. Why was she nodding so much? Stop nodding, Ella.
"And apparently someone ambushed her as she was getting dressed." Nodding, nodding, nodding.
"And do we have a cause of death...?" the Detective asked.
Miss Lopez immediatelly looked to the Douche. "Cause of death is a blunt force trauma to the head."
"It turns out that Miss Baez was a faculty adviser."
"Yeah, she was."
"To YEA."
"Uh, YEA is Youth Academy of American Entrepreneurs. The club met last night, so probably the last people to see them alive."
Honestly, Lucifer's head was starting to hurt just from watching the two of them.
Apparently he wasn't the only one, because the Detective cleared her throat and said, "Right, yeah. Lucifer? Can I speak to you in private?"
Oh thank everything. Lucifer slipped out of the changing room with her and into a quiet section of the hall. The Detective looked pale and fidgety - not things he was used to from her. Probably his fault, he reflected.
"I need to tell you something," she said quietly.
"I'm all ears," Lucifer said, "Or rather, horns."
"I went to see Father Kinley."
He physically recoiled. "Oh, did you now? Conjuring up more ways to send me back to Hell, are we?"
"No, no," the Detective said, and shook her head. "Father Kinley had been asking to see me, so I finally went and he told me about-- a prophecy."
Oh, well, if Lucifer had a dime for every time he'd heard a human come up with some daft prophecy... "What is it this time? Are frogs about to start falling from the sky or, perhaps... winter is coming?" he said.
The Detective actually glared at him.
"All of this celestial stuff, it's new to me," she pointed out. "I don't know what is good and bad, what is real and fake. But what he said... It scared me."
Lucifer tried to restrain his eyeroll. "Well, come on then, detective. What did he say?"
"He said that when the Devil walks the earth and finds his first love, evil will be released upon us all," she said gravely.
Oh. Oh. Well, a lot of things made sense all of a sudden.
"That is wonderful news," Lucifer said.
The Detective blinked. "It sounds kind of bad," she pointed out.
"Oh, it's bad, it's bad," he agreed, turning around as he mulled over the implications. "But it explains why I'm changing." It wasn't some grand mystery, some terrible thing he had done that he couldn't figure out.
"Lucifer," the Detective said. "Listen, if this prophecy were to actually come true... What then? Would there be demons running around?"
There wasn't a universe where Lucifer could see that happen. No, what it meant was painfully clear. "Nothing of the sort. But let's not get bogged down in specifics, because none of that will matter if I can stop the prophecy all together."
The Detective frowned. "How?"
"Well, clearly the first part, when the Devil walks the Earth, that's already happened," Lucifer said, and demonstratively jogged in place, "Because here I am, walking the Earth. And since Eve was my first girlfriend, then she's..."
"Your first love," the Detective said, catching on to his roll.
"Exactly. So to stop evil being released, all I need to do is, drum roll, please..." He grinned. "Break up with Eve!"
And here he'd thought dealing with this would require something complicated and impossible!
---
"I knew all along," Eve said breathlessly, leaning on the bar in Lucifer's loft. "You love me."
Lucifer stared at her from behind the bar. He felt almost a twinge of... fear? "Right. And how exactly did you end up there?"
She giggled. "The prophecy, silly." She grinned. "I mean, if you believe it to be true then, 'When the devil walks the earth and meets his first love', means you consider me to be your first love. Ergo! You love me!"
Right. She clearly wasn't getting the point here--
"Oh my god," she squealed. "I can't believe you said it first. I've been dying to say it for so long!"
They'd been dating for a week and a half. That fear slithered further up Lucifer's thigh. "Have you?" he asked, backing up against the drinks cabinet. "Interesting you should focus on that part of the prophecy, when evil being released really is the relevant part."
He swallowed. "And much as I hate to say this, I think it means that we need to, you know, break up."
"No."
Lucifer stared. Why wasn't there more room to back up into? "No?"
"Mhm," said Eve. "Lucifer, I know what you're doing."
Did she now? Because he thought he'd been fairly clear just now and she'd said no. "Do you."
"You're scared," Eve said earnestly. "Because you've been hurt before. You don't have to worry, okay?" She gave him big eyes. "I promise you I will never, ever give up on you."
Yeah, that was what he was beginning to be afraid of.
"You know why?" she asked.
"Surprise me," he said, strained.
"Because I love you too!" she squealed.
--
Oh god. ... Right. Even Lucifer Morningstar knew when he was out of his depth. He needed an expert. Someone with a great deal of experience in ending relationships.
He needed Duke Crocker.
As Eve slid away to go 'change into something more comfortable', he pulled out his phone in a panic. HOW DO I BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE???????
The question marks were necessary.
[[ open and taken from Lucifer episode 4x08, 'Super Bad Boyfriend' ]]
no subject
Date: 16 Sep 2020 14:03 (UTC)Then he just kind of sat back and stared at it for awhile.
I don't know man I'd usually just kinda flee the country
no subject
Date: 16 Sep 2020 14:10 (UTC)Lucifer.
no subject
Date: 16 Sep 2020 19:04 (UTC)you know, you can probably just be a dick at them. wait for them to dump you
That was terrible advice. On every level.
no subject
Date: 16 Sep 2020 19:07 (UTC)no subject
Date: 16 Sep 2020 19:21 (UTC)Lucifer would get a nice long 'the other person is typing' pause if he was looking at his phone just now, as Duke started and deleted several responses before finally landing on
do you have a stalker?
no subject
Date: 16 Sep 2020 19:22 (UTC)That would never not be a red flag to anyone who knew both you and Eve, Lucifer.
I just told her we should break up and she said no, so I clearly need a more effective technique.
no subject
Date: 16 Sep 2020 19:25 (UTC)You didn't get dots when you were banging your phone into your forehead.
did you try saying it MORE FIRMLY?
Why was Lucifer dating Eve when as far as Duke knew, he stayed in LA for Chloe?
no subject
Date: 16 Sep 2020 19:29 (UTC)no subject
Date: 16 Sep 2020 19:45 (UTC)Lucifer was definitely about to have a stalker.
[now replying to the correct comment!]
no subject
Date: 16 Sep 2020 19:47 (UTC)Seriously, Duke.
no subject
Date: 16 Sep 2020 19:57 (UTC)Because that was the important thing.
those are red flags
no subject
Date: 16 Sep 2020 20:00 (UTC)Beat
do you think brazil would be far enough
no subject
Date: 16 Sep 2020 20:14 (UTC)no subject
Date: 16 Sep 2020 20:17 (UTC)This would surely work.
no subject
Date: 16 Sep 2020 20:36 (UTC)no subject
Date: 16 Sep 2020 20:50 (UTC)Brief pause as Lucifer mulled it over.
Though I suppose if it escalated that far I wouldn't blame her for going stabby.
no subject
Date: 16 Sep 2020 20:58 (UTC)Lucifer knew that, right?
no subject
Date: 16 Sep 2020 21:05 (UTC)no subject
Date: 16 Sep 2020 21:07 (UTC)no subject
Date: 16 Sep 2020 21:11 (UTC)no subject
Date: 16 Sep 2020 21:23 (UTC)Children of Aurora. Duke still didn't really get it, but he knew it meant the world to Octavia.
no subject
Date: 16 Sep 2020 21:25 (UTC)Maybe he should just call Duke; that would at least give him a reason not to deal with Eve for another few minutes.
Yes, actually.
He pressed a button to ring the number instead.
no subject
Date: 16 Sep 2020 21:29 (UTC)"You know, you're interrupting my yoga time."
no subject
Date: 16 Sep 2020 21:34 (UTC)It was his way of saying 'Hello, Duke, I missed your voice, and I am extremely irritated by the fact that somehow spending all of this time with your girlfriend, who I adore, has led me to have opinions about your voice, let alone positive ones, and I'm not sure how I wound up there truthfully, and would prefer it if we spent negative amounts of time on it'.
"And it's Children of Aurora, not siblings. My siblings are almost all uniformly awful."
no subject
Date: 16 Sep 2020 21:39 (UTC)"Yeah, well, so are my brothers, but that doesn't mean I'd reject getting a decent one. How can you both be 'Children of Aurora' and not be siblings? You'd have the same parent."
no subject
Date: 16 Sep 2020 21:41 (UTC)no subject
Date: 16 Sep 2020 21:44 (UTC)no subject
Date: 17 Sep 2020 02:09 (UTC)He eyed the closet warily again. Still no sign of Eve. "Either way, she doesn't appear to want to talk to me."
no subject
Date: 17 Sep 2020 04:22 (UTC)no subject
Date: 17 Sep 2020 04:28 (UTC)Lucifer, no.
no subject
Date: 17 Sep 2020 04:30 (UTC)no subject
Date: 17 Sep 2020 04:34 (UTC)Since leaving Fandom, he'd somehow lost the ability to talk to anyone without dropping red flags everywhere.
no subject
Date: 17 Sep 2020 04:36 (UTC)no subject
Date: 17 Sep 2020 04:39 (UTC)no subject
Date: 17 Sep 2020 04:41 (UTC)no subject
Date: 17 Sep 2020 04:52 (UTC)no subject
Date: 17 Sep 2020 04:56 (UTC)no subject
Date: 17 Sep 2020 04:59 (UTC)A pause.
"Damn, Eve's back. Sorry, I need to find a way to get out of this apartment without having sex with her again."
He hung up.
no subject
Date: 17 Sep 2020 05:03 (UTC)“This is your fault,” he told a god he didn’t believe in. “Just so you know.”