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my_own_advocateAfter receiving Duke's advice on his situation yesterday, Lucifer had deployed Plan Super Bad Boyfriend with haste. He had ordered one of those gaming consoles online, placed another bulk order for snacks, and then he'd gone to a terrible sports bar last night to make friends. He'd also updated his Tinder profile.
Everything was set.
Just to be sure, though, he was spending a good portion of the day trailing the Detective on their latest case at the high school and asking all of the teenagers about their experiences with dramatically ending relationships. Surely they had some kind of insight?
... in his defense, his brother was currently in a bar across town asking random humans if they had any children, and Maze was at a club informing other random humans that she was looking for a romantic connection "because my friend says I'm too invested in her baby", so it wasn't like his behavior was strictly out of the ordinary.
"Nah, I didn't really know Miss Baez very well," said their latest teenager, a black kid by the name of Caleb Mayfield. He looked generally sportive, if out of place around all the rich white brats running about this school ranting about Harvard. "To be honest, I was thinking about quitting YEA all together."
A-ha. "You were going to break up with the entire club," Lucifer said, brightening. "How does one specifically say nay to YEA?"
"Could we just stay focused, Lucifer?" the Detective asked, facepalming.
But Caleb himself suddenly seemed interested, too. "Lucifer? As in the club owner who grants favors?" he said.
"You've heard of the favors?" the Detective asked, frowning.
Caleb nodded. "Some people I hang around with, they might have mentioned it," he said.
Lucifer sighed. "Well, granting favors is much lower on my resume these days than releasing death and destruction upon the world."
Ah, the Detective was doing that thing again where she stoically ignored him while she grilled a witness. "So you didn't spend much time with Miss Baez?"
"Not really," Caleb said. "Did you guys talk to Nate Benedict? He was fighting with her."
As it turned out, Nate Benedict had fought with Miss Baez because Miss Baez had an affair with his father. All of that went in one ear and out the other, except for the really pertinent bit: Nate Benedict's father and his mother had broken up after couple's therapy.
Well, it was worth a shot.
---
"I recently learned, doctor, that counseling is a good way to help relationships grow, evolve and then reach their final destination," Lucifer was saying, hoping he could convey the hostage situation he was in upon Linda just with the motions of his eyes.
It did not appear to be landing.
"Yes, it can be," Linda said slowly, her eyes trailing from Lucifer to Eve. "Under the right circumstances."
Eve clutched Lucifer's arm and let loose a truly impressive salvo of giggles. "Linda, I'm so happy to finally meet you," she enthused. "And being here in this room, wow! It's kind of like being inside Lucifer's mind!"
"Scary thought," Lucifer muttered.
And then Linda, for some hellish reason, grinned. "I'm very happy to meet you too!" she said. "Wow. You're the first woman ever. It's like... meeting a dinosaur."
Okay, even Eve's answering giggle sounded a bit perturbed.
"Not that you look old," Linda said hastily. "I mean, it's like you're my great-great, great-great... whatever." She cleared her throat. "Never mind! What can I do for you guys?"
Lucifer settled back, with Eve draped over his shoulder and her hands clutching his in a way that was kind of tight, actually. "I think, if you looked up 'perfect relationship' in the dictionary, you might just see a photo of myself and Eve," he said, "But complacency is the enemy of excellence, so I thought it wise to get your expert perspective on our wonderful kinship."
Short pause.
"I'm guessing this isn't going to end well," Linda ventured.
Eve burst out laughing. Lucifer laughed along (and crossed his fingers). "Please, tell me about this wonderful relationship of yours," Linda continued.
"Well, I'd say that we are impulsive," Lucifer began. "I mean, we often text whilst driving. We moved in together after one day. Also we consume an unfathomable amount of drugs and alcohol and regularly invite strangers into our bedroom."
Eve grinned. "It's true!"
"Did I mention that Eve has just come out of a long-term relationship?" he added. "So what say you, doctor?"
"Hm. Yes, well," Linda hummed. Here it was. The insight that would help him break this off. Finally. "While you claim to be happy, I sense a hidden trepidation by the words you're using to describe your relationship. In fact, in the light of our previous session, I'm concerned you're returning to a familiar pattern of--"
"Denial," Eve said, eyes wide.
Linda blinked. "That's exactly what I was going to say."
Oh. Oh no. Something was happening here, and Lucifer didn't like it.
"Don't you just hate it when he takes the exact wrong message from every conversation?" Eve asked.
And Linda, that traitor, she laughed. "Every! Single! Time!"
He had to stop this. "Right. Why don't we get back on track?" But no. No, this train had gone off the rails, and it was now driving at top speeds down into the bowels of Hell.
"How have we not met?" Linda gushed.
"I don't know!"
"There's this prophecy," Lucifer tried.
"Now he's just deflecting," Eve said.
"I couldn't have said it better myself," Linda said, nodding. "You know, Lucifer has a tendency to project his issues onto external sources when what he really needs to do is face his issues--"
"--head on," Eve finished.
Linda cackled. "Finally!"
Right. This wasn't working. While they were cackling, Lucifer quietly slipped his phone back out of his pocket and desperately texted every last one of those blokey, smelly bastards from the sports pub and invited them to Fantasy Football night at his place. Eve had scheduled a couple's trip to the aquarium, it would be perfect bad boyfriend material.
Right?
It had to work.
[[ nfb, nfi, taken from Lucifer episode 4x08, 'Super Bad Boyfriend'. ]]
Everything was set.
Just to be sure, though, he was spending a good portion of the day trailing the Detective on their latest case at the high school and asking all of the teenagers about their experiences with dramatically ending relationships. Surely they had some kind of insight?
... in his defense, his brother was currently in a bar across town asking random humans if they had any children, and Maze was at a club informing other random humans that she was looking for a romantic connection "because my friend says I'm too invested in her baby", so it wasn't like his behavior was strictly out of the ordinary.
"Nah, I didn't really know Miss Baez very well," said their latest teenager, a black kid by the name of Caleb Mayfield. He looked generally sportive, if out of place around all the rich white brats running about this school ranting about Harvard. "To be honest, I was thinking about quitting YEA all together."
A-ha. "You were going to break up with the entire club," Lucifer said, brightening. "How does one specifically say nay to YEA?"
"Could we just stay focused, Lucifer?" the Detective asked, facepalming.
But Caleb himself suddenly seemed interested, too. "Lucifer? As in the club owner who grants favors?" he said.
"You've heard of the favors?" the Detective asked, frowning.
Caleb nodded. "Some people I hang around with, they might have mentioned it," he said.
Lucifer sighed. "Well, granting favors is much lower on my resume these days than releasing death and destruction upon the world."
Ah, the Detective was doing that thing again where she stoically ignored him while she grilled a witness. "So you didn't spend much time with Miss Baez?"
"Not really," Caleb said. "Did you guys talk to Nate Benedict? He was fighting with her."
As it turned out, Nate Benedict had fought with Miss Baez because Miss Baez had an affair with his father. All of that went in one ear and out the other, except for the really pertinent bit: Nate Benedict's father and his mother had broken up after couple's therapy.
Well, it was worth a shot.
---
"I recently learned, doctor, that counseling is a good way to help relationships grow, evolve and then reach their final destination," Lucifer was saying, hoping he could convey the hostage situation he was in upon Linda just with the motions of his eyes.
It did not appear to be landing.
"Yes, it can be," Linda said slowly, her eyes trailing from Lucifer to Eve. "Under the right circumstances."
Eve clutched Lucifer's arm and let loose a truly impressive salvo of giggles. "Linda, I'm so happy to finally meet you," she enthused. "And being here in this room, wow! It's kind of like being inside Lucifer's mind!"
"Scary thought," Lucifer muttered.
And then Linda, for some hellish reason, grinned. "I'm very happy to meet you too!" she said. "Wow. You're the first woman ever. It's like... meeting a dinosaur."
Okay, even Eve's answering giggle sounded a bit perturbed.
"Not that you look old," Linda said hastily. "I mean, it's like you're my great-great, great-great... whatever." She cleared her throat. "Never mind! What can I do for you guys?"
Lucifer settled back, with Eve draped over his shoulder and her hands clutching his in a way that was kind of tight, actually. "I think, if you looked up 'perfect relationship' in the dictionary, you might just see a photo of myself and Eve," he said, "But complacency is the enemy of excellence, so I thought it wise to get your expert perspective on our wonderful kinship."
Short pause.
"I'm guessing this isn't going to end well," Linda ventured.
Eve burst out laughing. Lucifer laughed along (and crossed his fingers). "Please, tell me about this wonderful relationship of yours," Linda continued.
"Well, I'd say that we are impulsive," Lucifer began. "I mean, we often text whilst driving. We moved in together after one day. Also we consume an unfathomable amount of drugs and alcohol and regularly invite strangers into our bedroom."
Eve grinned. "It's true!"
"Did I mention that Eve has just come out of a long-term relationship?" he added. "So what say you, doctor?"
"Hm. Yes, well," Linda hummed. Here it was. The insight that would help him break this off. Finally. "While you claim to be happy, I sense a hidden trepidation by the words you're using to describe your relationship. In fact, in the light of our previous session, I'm concerned you're returning to a familiar pattern of--"
"Denial," Eve said, eyes wide.
Linda blinked. "That's exactly what I was going to say."
Oh. Oh no. Something was happening here, and Lucifer didn't like it.
"Don't you just hate it when he takes the exact wrong message from every conversation?" Eve asked.
And Linda, that traitor, she laughed. "Every! Single! Time!"
He had to stop this. "Right. Why don't we get back on track?" But no. No, this train had gone off the rails, and it was now driving at top speeds down into the bowels of Hell.
"How have we not met?" Linda gushed.
"I don't know!"
"There's this prophecy," Lucifer tried.
"Now he's just deflecting," Eve said.
"I couldn't have said it better myself," Linda said, nodding. "You know, Lucifer has a tendency to project his issues onto external sources when what he really needs to do is face his issues--"
"--head on," Eve finished.
Linda cackled. "Finally!"
Right. This wasn't working. While they were cackling, Lucifer quietly slipped his phone back out of his pocket and desperately texted every last one of those blokey, smelly bastards from the sports pub and invited them to Fantasy Football night at his place. Eve had scheduled a couple's trip to the aquarium, it would be perfect bad boyfriend material.
Right?
It had to work.
[[ nfb, nfi, taken from Lucifer episode 4x08, 'Super Bad Boyfriend'. ]]