Lucifer Morningstar (
my_own_advocate) wrote2024-04-28 10:27 am
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The OceaNyx, Somewhere At Sea, Sunday
There had been a brief moment at port to restock their increasingly-full pantry, but otherwise, the OceaNyx had been at sea (or at uninhabited bay) for the past few days, allowing its inhabitants to find some kind of peace. It had been helpful, at least for Lucifer, whose strong emotions towards both of his partners - anger, for Duke, worry, for Octavia - had finally settled back down. Allowing him to be in the moment.
Admittedly, 'the moment' involved a lot of cooking in the ship's incredibly tiny kitchen - how he'd managed to wrench that many cookies out of that oven was anyone's guess - but still.
It was a nice day. The climate was certainly growing warmer, as they moved further south. And so Lucifer eventually exited the kitchen to find a spot on some cushions near the back, enjoying the sight of the wind in the ship's sails, the way it bent slightly sideways as it made speed, the sound of the bow cutting through the water.
Why couldn't it be like this all the time?
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Admittedly, 'the moment' involved a lot of cooking in the ship's incredibly tiny kitchen - how he'd managed to wrench that many cookies out of that oven was anyone's guess - but still.
It was a nice day. The climate was certainly growing warmer, as they moved further south. And so Lucifer eventually exited the kitchen to find a spot on some cushions near the back, enjoying the sight of the wind in the ship's sails, the way it bent slightly sideways as it made speed, the sound of the bow cutting through the water.
Why couldn't it be like this all the time?
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Okay, maybe she was repressing a little (or a lot) of her feelings about several facets of the Haven ordeal. But at least she'd gone back to taking her meds consistently?
She'd been near the front of the boat for a bit. Now she wandered back. "Baking's done for now?"
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"Fine."
Guess she wanted to find out.
"Did you bring any cookies out?"
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Maybe this taste test was important. She certainly seemed to act like it was.
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He found himself watching her face.
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Chewed thoughtfully, tasting the flavors. Finding both the berry and the nut, so to speak.
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Waiting.
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"That's really nice," she murmured, turning her gaze to meet his.
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And on a whim, leaned over to drop a little kiss in his hair.
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And went to finish her cookie. Not quite as thoroughly, but still with great appreciation.
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He took a bite. And took the moment to savor it.
That was what this trip was all about, wasn't it?
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Which had Octavia watching the water again while she chewed.
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Lucifer reached for his wine, took a sip to wash down the cookies, and went back to watching her.
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Octavia was just watching the water. After a little while, she closed her eyes and tried to just feel, instead.
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Lucifer reached out, and put a hand on her leg. Offering an extra touch of companionship.
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Air in and out of her lungs.
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A little softer.
Not that she was looking at it, but that didn't matter.
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As she took several controlled, slow breaths.
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But that felt like it might be stepping on something.
So he didn't.
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It halfway worked.
And she opened her eyes again. And finally sat down next to him.
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Watching his face, just for the moment.
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He reached out to cup her cheek with one hand.
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Soft, gentle.
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And that was fine, because she could respond in kind, soft and gentle and slow.
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It was nice. Feeling like he got to take his time with her.
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Octavia's hand slid onto his shoulder. Settled, lightly.
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Octavia gave a very soft sigh.
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Saying that felt like a thing, after the initial few days of their return.
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"Ai hod yu in seintaim," Octavia murmured back. "Skaifaya."
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Just holding him.
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His own hands moved down, until his arms were firmly secured around her waist.
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Octavia... gave a soft, slow sigh.
"I still feel awful," she admitted quietly.
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He tightened his grip on her. "I know," he said.
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Not that he thought she'd ask him to, but...
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She was used to carrying these things by herself.
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Just as long as she kept herself alive until she worked through all of it.
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Weird that something so obvious sounded so much like a confession.
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Gave a weak hum.
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Easier said than done, she knew.
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"Trying to help you just... feels less futile, that's all."
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It... wasn't great to hear.
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At least there was still the noise of the water.
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"I need you," he said.
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"What?" she asked, as if she hadn't heard. (As if it didn't immediately bring back a sore memory.)
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(She knew that was why.)
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Another mutter.
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Failing.
"I'm pretty sure I made an ass of myself at the club again --" Well, at least there was a grand tradition behind it. "-- and everything."
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Wasn't sure she wanted to talk about all of the ones she did remember, either. Whether that was because they felt oddly private to her or because they felt embarrassing, even she couldn't have said for sure.
"But if Eric has any capacity to be concerned about me... He might be concerned about me."
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Yes, that was something.
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He was just moderately dubious about the Eric of it.
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"Good," Octavia replied, watching his face.
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"Did it help?" Lucifer asked.
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That sounded like another confession.
"I think I needed to... release something." She was clearly still thinking about it as she spoke. Processing. "So I wouldn't explode on the boat instead."
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"If you have to name it, sure."
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"Always is."
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She looked to the waves again, trailing off, if just for a brief moment before she found more words.
"I had a lot pent up that I couldn't really get out on the boat, with us living so closely on top of each other."
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"Do you think you got it all out?" he asked.
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"I shouldn't be surprised," he said. "Haven."
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Like, yes.
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He had asked Duke. Duke hadn't known.
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"Being there was physical enough."
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That was just Haven.
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"Not really."
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Well, what was there to say to that?
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Her fingers brushed against his.
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Sliding his fingers between hers.
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"I made sure it wasn't going to be too bad."
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"Just doing my best to... not make things worse." Sometimes in the smallest ways possible.
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Softer and quieter.
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Lucifer pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "This is part of what I meant by trusting you," he said, softer. "I know how hard you try. Even when your instincts tell you otherwise."
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She swallowed.
"And it doesn't always feel like enough."
Understatement, as they'd already seen.
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He squeezed her fingers again, wanting to steady her, somehow.
"But I can tell you that without your small things, I may well have lost my mind ages ago."
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"Mochof," she said, for all of it. Even though he was saying she'd done something. Continued to do something.
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"I love you."
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It wasn't cocky or smug.
Just soft.
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Although it helped.
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About letting him down.
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It probably really said something about how little she had to worry about it that she even had to clarify.
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"I'm not sure how you could," he said slowly. "Bar deciding to leave my life."
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As they'd already covered.
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Yet more to talk to her therapist about.
Eventually.
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"If I cared for other people no matter what it did to me, I had worth." It was a simplification, but it wasn't incorrect. "And if I failed..."
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"I had no worth at all."
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His arm slid around her again. He hugged her tight.
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It wasn't a genuine question. More of a weak mumble of a questionable joke, if anything.
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"You are always worth everything to me," he said softly.
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Sometimes had a hard time believing it.
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He didn't expect that to work, but it still... bore repeating.
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With the vibe that she would've curled up in his lap if it had been possible.
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"Just be with me, darling," he said softly. "Keep a little of yourself, don't give it all away, because I like it in the package it is currently in."
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As far as promises went, it wasn't her best one.
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Lucifer pressed a kiss into her neck.
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As if she didn't also just lean into him more. She contained multitudes.
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Her voice sounded tight.
"Can we... can we go just lay down for a while?"
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He kept as much of a hold on her as he could, while he rose.
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It wasn't like she didn't want to keep clinging to him, anyway.
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But soon they were in the bedroom, and he pulled her onto the bed with him.
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And then Octavia doing her best to curl up against him.
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No matter what.
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Octavia just buried her face against his neck and breathed him in.
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But Lucifer never lied. Which meant he believed it.
Which was the best anyone could ask for.
She exhaled an unsteady breath.
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"I know," she murmured. Again like an apology of somekind.
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"As long as you know," Lucifer said quietly.
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She gave a quiet hum.
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He fell silent, content to be in her octopus-like presence.
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Just further contact, and breathing with him, and being with him. And trying to find the calm in that.
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Back up again.
Over and over. Soothing.