Lucifer's Penthouse, Thursday

[my_own_advocate]

It had been days since Dad had announced His retirement and left. Lucifer supposed he should feel relieved by now, or elated. Dad was... vacating their lives for good. And there was no doubt who His successor would be: Amenadiel, who had trained for this for his entire long celestial life.

He could admit in the privacy of his own head that Amenadiel would make a far better God than their Father had ever been.

Not for the first time in the past... month? Had it been a month? Lucifer thought about how they should be headed home. To the Rouge, and its nostalgic sailor aesthetic that, again in the privacy of his own thoughts, Lucifer could admit he sort of missed.

Perhaps it was the matter of Daniel and his well-deserved revenge that kept his thoughts so messy and his feet firmly placed within the boundaries of Los Angeles county. That had to be it. No?

Lucifer poured himself another glass of scotch and leaned against the bar, contemplating the bottles. He did still like this apartment, he mused, so there was that.

[[ expecting one, but open for phone calls ]]

Comments

[betterthanaplan]

Duke knew that feeling. He was pretty sure saying so wouldn’t help.

“I’m sorry,” he said again.

[my_own_advocate]

"It's my Hell loop," Lucifer said, staring up at the ceiling. "Stabbing Uriel over and over again."

[betterthanaplan]

Duke did his best to wrap himself fully around Lucifer like a blanket.

“And you blame your dad.”

[my_own_advocate]

"It wouldn't be my Hell loop if I didn't blame myself," Lucifer said, leaning into him. He didn't have the strength not to. "But I do blame Dad for caring so little for Uri. For either of us, really. My brother didn't need to be dead."

[betterthanaplan]

Another long silence from Duke. This might be a record!

“Luce. What . . . what do you think love is?”

It was an honest question, not at all rhetorical. One Duke wondered if he should ask himself too.

[my_own_advocate]

Something other people had?

Lucifer was silent for a little while.

And then a while longer.

"... I don't know," he said. "I assume I will if I'd ever run into it."

[betterthanaplan]

“You might not,” Duke said gently. “I didn’t.”

[my_own_advocate]

Lucifer sighed.

"What would you say it is, then?"

[betterthanaplan]

Dammit, Lucifer, turning the question back on him.

“It’s. It’s not perfect,” he said. “Or easy. And it’s not a — a constant thing. It’s more. . . . It’s. . . . Fuck.”

He pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose.

“It’s — feeling like you want to die if they go away. But letting them anyway, because it’s what they need to do. It’s giving someone what they need, even when it’s not what you want.”

Of course Duke would equate love with sacrifice.

[my_own_advocate]

Lucifer's brow crinkled. "Well, that sounds unpleasant," he commented.

[betterthanaplan]

“It hurts sometimes,” Duke agreed. “But — when they love you back? It’s amazing. You feel like you can take on anything.”

[my_own_advocate]

Lucifer's thoughts darted to a moment long-past, Chloe's forehead against his. This is real, isn't it?

"Hm," he said.

[betterthanaplan]

“It’s easy to get wrong,” Duke said. “Even when you’re trying your hardest not to. It’s hard to know when to help and when to let go.”

And, he didn’t say, maybe your dad got it wrong.

[my_own_advocate]

"Hm," Lucifer said again.

He slung an arm around Duke and curled further into him. Thinking.

[betterthanaplan]

“I get it wrong all the time,” Duke said quietly. “I’ve hurt you and Octavia so many times. But it doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”

[my_own_advocate]

That acute feeling, that I'm incapable of love, had been ground down and dispersed into a general feeling of unworthiness over the past few weeks. It made it harder to attack that conviction in particular, because it was no longer vivid and acute and solitary.

If it had been, still, this might have broken that thought.

Now it was just one part of a confusing maelstrom of self-hating thoughts. They had always come so easy to him, under that big blanket of denial.

He pressed a kiss against Duke's neck.

"I don't deserve you," he said softly. "But I want to."

[betterthanaplan]

“Well,” Duke said, his hands shifting from stroking Lucifer’s hair to massaging his scalp. “That’s probably a good start.”

[my_own_advocate]

Lucifer let out a soft huff and pressed his face into Duke's chest.

He-- felt something, tight and warm and painful, and his arm curled up more to press Duke against him, in as much as it was even possible to get him closer.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke bent his dead forward to kiss Lucifer on top of his head.

“I got you, babe,” he said. “Even if you don’t think you deserve it.”

[my_own_advocate]

"I know," Lucifer said, voice soft. "You ridiculous do-gooder."

He sucked in a loud breath. "I just want to be able to return the favor."

[betterthanaplan]

“You think you haven’t?” Duke asked. “You pulled me out of the duck pond and dragged me home even while I was screaming someone else’s name.”

[my_own_advocate]

"I know, I just... I don't know if I've done enough," Lucifer said, staring at the few patches of Duke's skin he could see in his current position.

[betterthanaplan]

"It's not like that," Duke said. "You help me be a better me. All the time. And I try to do the same for you."

[my_own_advocate]

Lucifer let out a long, ragged sigh and shut his eyes. He wasn't sure if that was true, but he was too emotionally exhausted after the past few weeks to figure out whether he wanted to argue.

"Duke?" he asked quietly.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke massaged his head again. “Yeah, babe?”